i'm a pretty boring girl. not only boring, but very stupid. i'm horrible at math, i'm not organized, etc etc. i'm only good at reading and writing, and even then i'm not amazing in those subjects either. i'm not amazing with anything. i've had a couple people tell me that i'm amazing, that i really am worth something. mostly best friends, family, and a certain ex boyfriend. i don't like talking about him because everyone always thinks i'm just trying to throw a pity party. but he honestly broke me. not just my heart, not my heart-shaped glasses (i like marilyn manson) but he broke me. but like i said, i don't like talking about him.

  i go to some shabby high school, i don't like talking about that either. i thought it'd be a lot better, everyone said the drama simmered down by the time everyone hit highschool. not much of a difference really. there's still those snobby "preppy" girls and the passionate studiers, the jocks, the straight-up douchebags, the perverts, the list goes on and on. i hate school.

  i'm cursed with the fact that not only do i cry obnoxiously loud, but i bottle things up for months and weeks. i remember once in eigth grade, a friend of mine had a date and i hung out at the mall with them for a while. it hurt though. at the time i was feeling really lonely- my (now ex, not the ex that broke me) boyfriend went to new york, NY. god damn new york city. i want to visit the big apple so damn badly, and his parents hated me so there was no chance of me going with. he had been there for a week and his parents still wouldn't let him call, we pretty much couldn't see eachother outside of school. so here i am feeling like shit, and my friend just starts making out with her boyfriend. ugh, okay whatever, i'm not into my friend like that, i didn't really want to see her tongue down his throat. even after i told her that it was bothering me, her date just kept fondling her and tonguing her. it was disgusting for me, because i missed my boyfriend. i missed just talking to him on the phone, much less tonguing him. but again, his parents hated me. everyone told me that his parents just didn't like him in a relationship and that they thought he wasn't ready for one. pardon my french here, but that's fucking bullshit. at that time, we had been in a relationship together for over a year. nope, he's not ready for a relationship. and he had damn good grades too, so it wasn't even like i was bringing him down. well, he had better grades than me. i was a C student. i wasn't kidding when i said i wasn't amazing with anything. he'd usually have maybe a C or two, usually in a class that i had a D or an F in.

  anyways, back to the point. my friend's date is being a douche and continuing to snog my friend, which she surely enjoyed but she also knew i didn't. i broke down. i started bawling my eyes out. my eyeshadow went down with my tears, so i had grey streaks going down my face. great. then a bunch of people i don't even know start asking me 'whats wrong, whats wrong are you okay?' god damn if there is a question i hate, it's 'whats wrong?' dumbass, i'm crying, what the hell do you think. i'm sad, let me cry it out and leave me alone. a lot of girls like talking about it, talking with their friends about their problems. nope, not me. it just starts more shit and 90% of the time i feel even worse. with me, i just gotta cry it out or sleep it off. then i feel okay. but no, since i have breasts (relatively small ones, but they're there) it means i want to talk. no. it's bad enough i was crying in a public place, but then her douchebag date tried helping, then he'd go back to snogging my friend. idiot.

  honestly though, you want to know what was wrong with me? i missed my boyfriend, i lost even more friends because of a stupid rumor being spread around, i had two lesbian stalkers on my bus who constantly talked about me, i had the whole school hating or laughing at me, or both. my mom had pneumonia (actually she didn't, but at the time i thought she did), my dad was probably shooting up heroin in Texas, i was close to failing all my classes, and god damn it i was sick of seeing my friend's date's TONGUE! i ran off. it was horrible, i had to sit outside in the rain just so no one could tell i was crying. sure, i made those obnoxious sobbing sounds, but it was so loud outside it didn't even matter. eventually my friend's mom came and gave us all a ride home. it was an awkward drive, i can assure you.

  there's a little backstory for you, i guess. but at the same time i guess it doesn't really matter. what matters is now. i hate thinking about the past. i hate thinking about the future. i try to have fun really, i'd much rather be a minimum-wage earning stoner than a rich-bitch snob. speaking of now, here's what inspired me to write all this: a guy. yup, i'm a little upset because of a guy. but not because he doesn't like me back. no, i could care less. but the fact that he broke a promise. he lied.

  i know who this guy likes and really? ewww, she is disgusting. i mean she's very pretty and all but her personality? shallow and dumber than me. i'm not jealous of her because this guy i like, likes her. no, i know that she would never date him. so he told me, i promised not to tell anyone else and i didn't. honestly. then one time we (him and i) got on the subject of who we like and he badgered me into telling him. so i told him that i liked him. before i did though i made him promise that i wouldn't lose the friendship i had with the guy i liked. he said he promised. also before i told him, i told him that i had a really, really terrible fear of rejection. and i do, dear christ i do. but i told him who i liked. he told me he didn't mind. he even told me that i was a nice person, and that i wasn't rejected.

  i was really happy, but he never talked to me again after that. he would talk around me, he would talk to his friends with me there, but he would never answer anything i'd say. he never commented on anything i said, nothing. he would look over at me in a class we had together, and well, you know. i'm a stupid girl who has a crush. what else would i do? i bit my finger, smiled and laughed a little. he never seemed amused and after that class i'd always be kicking myself for it. 'why did i fucking react like that? he probably wasn't even looking at me, just something next to me.'

  so the other night i sent him a message, on facebook, that he should stop ignoring and avoiding me. and i told him that he said i wouldn't lose my friendship with him. not only did he say so, he promised. he still hasn't replied and he's been on facebook plenty of times since then, commenting other people, taking quizzes, etc. and this is what i mean by he lied: he said he didn't mind. mother fucker, if you minded, you wouldn't ignore me. you wouldn't avoid me. i hate men sometimes. well, aries men. i'm a sagitarius and supposedly aries is just hot shit for you if you're an aries. well, this guy's an aries and the guy who broke me was an aries. i don't have any good experiences with one. damn i hate stuff like that. i hate everything to at least some extent.