stop haunting my dreams. i refuse to go to sleep tonight because i know i'll dream of you again and i'll wake up heart broken because for a split second i'll think that you're mine, i'll think that i was right about you having a warm beating heart inside.

then reality will fucking slap me in the face. reality, logic, reasoning. i'll realize that no, i didn't taste your lips. i didn't listen to your heartbeat. you didn't hold my hand, you didn't smile at me. i'll come to school and see you walk past me as if i don't even exist. now i know how you feel about the season of fall.

you said i wouldn't lose my friendship with the guy i like. what's going right now? you glance at me in 5th period sometimes and i'm so caught up in the moment, i usually blush and smile. then i look back and i think 'why? why do i think he even considers me as an equal, much less like me as a friend? he's too smart, i'm too stupid, why don't i just give up?'

because you come to me in your dreams. you smile with your warm bright smile and hold my hand and whisper kind things in my ear. you brush the hair out of my face, you kiss my forehead, you put your hands on my waist and look me in the eyes. you act poetic, metaphorical, like you did the night i told you.

is this all just one big trap?

i have a scar on my right arm. i tell everyone, oh my cat scratched me.
no. i did it on purpose. i woke up that morning, after the romantic dreams i had about you and i cried. i cried. i cried and looked for something to ease the pain. i couldn't think of anything better. yeah, i'm really fucked up. i'm really stupid. i couldn't be stupider.

and this is why i hate myself. because you are so amazing and so perfect, so smart, so hilarious and mother of fuck i love you. but i'm not good enough for you. i guess this is why they call it falling in love.